


mind games

by mich_22wolves



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:28:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21747547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mich_22wolves/pseuds/mich_22wolves
Summary: Inspired by a promt from @writing.promts.s on Instragram: One day in class you decide to scream something in your head to catch mind readers. As you do, you see your crush flinch.
Relationships: Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett
Comments: 21
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so sentences might be weird. Enjoy :)

None of this is making sense and you stopped paying attention about 20 minutes ago. Rose and the rest of your friends are having the time of their lives, judging by the Snaps you are sneakily watching under the table. You, for some reason, were put into this math class, that you hate with a passion you cannot describe. You have no one to talk to, no one to distract you from your inevitable doom once the final exam comes up. About a month ago though, you finally found a distraction (you will admit that there are more practical things to distract you, but sometimes you can't help but bring yourself into situations that will backfire on you one day). She is currently sitting two rows in front of you, drawing something onto her piece of paper, seemingly just as attentive as you are. She's usually not talking to anyone, although not for a lack of trying from the boys in this class. Every guy has gone up to her desk at least once, trying to strike up a conversation. In most cases though, she doesn't seem to bother with replying. Sometimes she shrugs, mostly she is just short in her answers, as to let the other person know she isn't too interested in whatever they have to say. Right now, looking at her doesn't provide too much entertainment, so you feel your brain going into dreamland again. You wish you could read minds, it would make situations like these much more interesting. How about a little experiment? You smile to yourself, thinking how incredibly stupid this is, considering you're a high school senior, currently investigating if mind readers are real. But who is gonna judge you? So you do the only reasonable thing. Scream in your mind. At least that's what you think you are doing. You don't notice that you are still staring at the back of Lindsey Horan's head until she has turned around in her chair, eyes wide, directly meeting yours. "Horan, everything okay?", your teacher asks her. She furrows her brows at you and turns back around. "Yeah, everything's alright. Just thought I heard something." Heard something? Your hearing isn't perfect, but you are sure it was dead silent in the classroom when Lindsey turned around to look at you. You might vomit. Did she...? There is no way. Your heart is beating a mile a minute, firstly from the intense eye contact you just had with your crush, secondly because that someone might be a what? Wizard? Psychic? You don't know the terminology. Maybe you are just going crazy though. Maybe Lindsey has just got incredible hearing. You wonder if you should try again. But you don't know how. You don't want to scream again, you don't want to startle her (you still can't believe that you are thinking about your crush being a MIND READER). Is she able to hear your thoughts all the time? You truly hope she can't. Every person in this room is thinking something right now, so can she hear it all? How would she ever be able to concentrate? Maybe she can control it, direct it towards a certain person. If so, the percentage is high that she is currently reading your mind. You just screamed at her. And she reacted. Can you direct thoughts at her? Like, just send them to her, so she understands them even when she isn't trying to read your mind? You decide to just try. These are your thoughts, so if she isn't a mind reader, there will be literally no consequences. You decide to go with 'I'm sorry'. You are sorry after all, you probably scared her. Intensely staring at the back of her head is a little strange. If anyone would be looking over at you, they'd think you are insane. You are watching for a reaction. It's not like she can say something back, you're pretty sure you're not a mind reader yourself. She's straightening her shoulders. Wow. Now, what the heck are you supposed to do with that? 

Class is over. You spend the remaining 20 minutes thinking about how ridiculous this entire thing is. You seriously thought Lindsey could read minds. Because she flinched and turned towards you. Yeah, something doesn't add up, but it's more likely that Lindsey is just straight-up insane than able to read minds. You are about to get out of the building and head down to the parking lot when you feel someone tapping you on the shoulder. You turn and see Lindsey standing in front of you, looking slightly pale. She's fidgeting her hands and avoiding your curious gaze. You would be nervous too, but somehow you are way too into your head at the moment. "Emily, right?" Could this be your shot? You've barely ever talked to her. You were at a couple of the same parties, have a couple of mutual friends, but she's always seemed a little shy and not too keen on being the center of attention. You know she'd deserve it though, she's the star of your high school's soccer team. Sometimes you go to watch them play, you like soccer after all. It's not just to watch her, promise. "Yeah." "I just wanted to say... It's fine." You stare at her with a blank expression, with confusion slowly making its way onto your face. The fuck is she talking about. Maybe she confused you with someone else? Then it hits you like a truck. You said sorry. You apologized and she told you it was fine. Your eyes must become comically wide, cause her fidgety exterior is slowly replaced by a smile. "Yeah, I know. Just... would you like to go for coffee sometime? Talk about it? Cause this...", she motions to the school surrounding you, "is not the place." You don't know what your focus should be on. That this wonderful girl invited you to get coffee with her or that you discovered that mind reading is a thing. Your body decides for you as you become red and flustered. "Yeah, I get it, sure." 

You ended up giving her your number and she promised to text you later. When you arrive at Rose's house, you have not fully comprehended what just happened, and it must show on your face. "Dude, did you see a ghost?" As much as you'd love to tell them about your coffee date with Lindsey, you aren't sure how to explain the circumstances in which it came to be without outing Lindsey as a supernatural... person? What if she can turn invisible as well? Or fly? You should stop. You haven't answered. "Yeah, you! You should seriously work on your tan, you'll become transparent otherwise, I fear." Rose just throws her pen towards you and the subject is avoided for now.

"Oh, I'm just getting coffee with Lindsey before gym class. I'll see you then." You try to be super nonchalant about it. It doesn't work. "You are getting coffee with Lindsey? Do you mean beautiful, soccer extraordinaire, intelligent, your crush Lindsey? Cause if so... how did that happen? Do you actually have game and have been hiding it under the facade of an absolute dumbass? You should get into acting then." You hate her so much sometimes. "Nah, it's just about this math class and she suggested coffee. It's not a big deal." You say this mainly to convince yourself. It's a big deal. Cause you are getting coffee with Lindsey, who, yes, is everything Rose has just described and can, additionally, also read minds. It also occurred to you last night, when you were laying awake way too long, that this could become an actual problem for you. Because if there is one thing you don't want it's for Lindsey to just know how attracted you are to her. If she doesn't know already. The thought of texting her and canceling crossed your mind, but that would be crazy. For months have you been waiting only for a conversation with her and now she wants to get coffee? Yeah, mind reading was not in the equation before, but you won't let that stop you. 

This would be awkward enough as is. Silence. Total silence as you pick up Lindsey from the gym building, still in her soccer shorts and a tank top, distracting you with a little too much skin on display. You try to force some other thoughts into your brain because you're scared she will get right out of the car again if she knew what you're thinking. She gets into your old Toyota and you suddenly notice every single detail that could be embarrassing about your car. Some old hoodie of you in the back, empty water bottles, probably a lot of dog hairs. "Can you... stop thinking so loud? Cause I'm trying so hard to not pick up something from you and you are making it hard. Just relax, your car looks fine. I don't have a car, but I'm sure it'd look worse." Okay. It's time to chill. She is so fucking nice and is seemingly trying quite hard to make this as comfortable for you as possible. And she won't be able to read your thoughts if you just stay chill. "Better." She is smiling at you and you are a little unprepared for it. God, she really is the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. You have to fill the silence if just to distract you. "You can have the aux cable and play whatever you want. You are the guest." She just shakes her head. "I'm not an expert on music. I just listen to playlists Spotify tells me to listen to. But Sam sometimes plays your playlists in the locker room, they are pretty good. If you tell me your name I'll just put on one of those." Your self-confidence is slowly building. "Didn't know I was the locker room DJ of the soccer team. I shouldn't have to pay for tickets if I provide you all with brilliant music for free." "I didn't know you came to our games. Otherwise, I would've given them to you just like that. What kind of a friend is Sam that she didn't offer?" You talk about some of their past games for a while. It's mostly just you arguing with her about how good she played. "You were still way above the rest of your team. Don't tell Sam I said that though. She is two times my size, I couldn't take her." She laughs. This is the first time that you have heard a real laugh from her, not contained, just full-hearted and wonderful. You are sure you are smiling at her like an idiot. You aren't too concerned about giving anything away anymore, cause if she wanted to, she could just read your mind and find out in a second anyway. You do notice that Lindsey chose your October playlist, which, you will admit, is full of songs that are pretty much about love and heartbreak. Lindsey seems to notice as well. "Damn, Sonnett, who broke your heart?" You chuckle slightly, mainly to buy time though. "No one. It's just... October, you know, cuffing season and everything." She nods like she gets it. 

You are sitting at a secluded booth. It's not busy anyway, the morning hustle has passed and most of the city is working right now. Which makes you think of Rose, currently working on your presentation alone, most likely cursing you. You smile at the thought. You'll have to come up with something to repay her. "What are you smiling about?" This question seems stupid, coming from... someone like Lindsey. "Why don't you just read my mind and find out?" It's not meant to be mean. But Lindsey immediately closes up. Her body is tensing up. And you hate this. You didn't want to make her feel bad or uncomfortable. She is sharing a huge part of herself, something that sure isn't easy to live with. "Sorry. I... That came out wrong. I'm smiling about Rose hating my guts cause I ditched her for you. In case you still wanna know." She relaxes slightly, but she still looks scared and self-conscious. "Oh, if you already had other plans you could've just said something. We could've rescheduled. This is not your issue after all." Oh. She thinks she is bothering you with this. "It's all good. You seem like a decent person to spend time with. I've been having fun so far." Now she is scratching her neck. "Yeah, I know." Now it's your turn to tense up. In the car, you felt like this whole thing could be normal. That this could be a normal 'date', that she's just another person. She isn't. In so many ways. "I'm sorry. I am trying. But I'm still learning this. And I was never planning on anyone from school finding out, they'd treat me different immediately, avoid me maybe." She's having a hard time with it. "Don't worry about it. Who knows then?" "My brother." Your eyes become wide. "That's it? Isn't it hard? Hiding it?" She is opening up. You can't read minds, but her posture becomes different and her eyes just... change. "It is, sometimes. Sometimes I'll hear a secret or something, something that I shouldn't know. Then it's hard, tell someone, not tell someone. I also hear everything they think about me. That's hard sometimes too. So that's the main thing that I'm trying to avoid, and I've gotten good at that. You could hate me, and I wouldn't know." You are soo far away from hating her. Every second you are spending with her makes you like her a bit more. "How do you do it though. Does it happen just like that? Cause when we were in the classroom the other day, there were so many people. Wouldn't it be absolute chaos if you could hear all their thoughts?" "No. I either have to look at the person or picture them, think about them. Or they are loud. Like you in the car just now or in the classroom. What was that about by the way? It gave me a headache." You were hoping you would never have to tell this tale of stupidity. If you think about it now, it's miraculous that this came out of that. "Okay, so I was bored as fuck and thought about mind reading. Normal 'bored-in-class-thought', right? And to catch potential mind reader, I swear I didn't actually think there was going to be a mind reader in that class, I just screamed." "Are you trying to justify you thinking mind readers are a possibility to a mind reader? Cause you don't have to." All of this is insane. Keeping your thoughts quiet is getting harder by the second and you can see by the concentrated look on Lindsey's face that she is having a hard time with you. For a second you think about just telling her she can read your mind. But thankfully you catch yourself. "If you want you can head to the bathroom or go outside for a minute, to you know... get a break." You gesture to your own head, and the smile she sends you is adorable. "Yeah, thanks, I'm gonna do that. Be back in a minute." 

She is back in a minute. "So... do you still have questions?" Alright, she wants to wrap this up. You should. Your gym class starts in 20 minutes and you still have to make the drive back. But you wish you could stay a little. "No, I'm good. I have to head back to gym class now, so... I'll see you around." You want to say so much more. How much you enjoyed spending this time with her, how you'd love to keep talking. But you can't. Maybe it's best for now. Lindsey just had to give you a huge part of herself, something she had kept hidden from the entire world. And you are basically a stranger. 

"Sooo... how was it?" Rose had been sending you glances throughout the entire class. You knew you wouldn't get out of this one. "It was great. We talked some and worked a lot." You nearly forget that you told her it was about that class you had together. "What did you talk about?" "Math." Rose stops me and turns to stand in front of me. "You had a coffee date with your crush and all you did was talk about math? Man, Sonnett, what if that was your one shot?" She is right. You did not only talk about math, sure, but you only talked about her mind-reading. Technically that was the only reason you met up, but still, it could have been your chance to get to know her better, to make an impression. The feeling overtaking you now is not a nice one. "Okay, no need to panic Emily. You still have her number, right? Just text her or call her and ask her out." You want to. So bad. And maybe you will.

You decide to just shoot your shot before math class. It makes you nauseous just thinking about it. You are standing in front of the classroom, shifting from one foot to another. When Lindsey appears at the other side of the hallway, you hold your breath. You want to back out so bad right now. Live in your fantasy of one day possessing the balls to ask her on a date. "Hey." Her smile is soft, but her eyes are all over your face. It takes you a second to understand that she could be reading your mind right now and that you wouldn't know. "Hi, Lindsey." An uncomfortable silence follows and you know that this is your moment. But you can't. "I'd say yes you know." You are confused for a hot second. And when you get it, your insides are jumping all over the place. "But you'll have to ask me first." It seems like a ballsy move on Lindsey's side, but she knows without a doubt that you wanna ask her out. "Lindsey, will you go out with me? On a date. Even though you said you would try to read my mind." Lindsey immediately looks guilty. "I'm so sorry. I just can't control it sometimes. " You don't mind anymore. It's a scary thing. But for some reason, you trust her immediately. "I'm still waiting for an answer." "Yes. Idiot." Math classes are more fun after that.


	2. fairytale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily finally takes Lindsey on that date. And everyone is just overthinking everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me some time, but hope y'all enjoy.  
> If there are any grammatical mistakes, I apologize, but you are welcome to correct me, it'll help me learn.

And just like that, math becomes your favorite subject. Lindsey and yourself are now sharing a table, only rarely talking about math. Some part you wants to just forgo the date alltogether, maybe this will all just develop naturally. Lindsey deserves one though, and you know it. Showing her how much you truly adore her feels like a major step.

You pick her up from soccer practice. There is an assignment due tomorrow and she promised to help you with it. "You have a question." This doesn't phase you anymore. Lindsey has gotten a lot better at ignoring your thoughts. She still picks up on these little things, like now, but that benefits both of you. It keeps you from overthinking. "Yeah. Something about math. Are you actually smart and good at math or are you just reading our teacher's mind to find out all the right answers?" She lets out a mock gasp. "Are you questioning my intelligence? Maybe I will have to reconsider going on a date with you." All the blood leaves your face at her words. You know she is joking, but it still rekindles the uncertainty in you. "I was kidding, Sonnett. Don't stress about it." And then there are these moments. Where you aren't sure if she is reading your mind or she just knows. Because the two of you are spending a lot of time together nowadays, just as friends, so you know each other quite well now. It becomes easy to tell when the other one is feeling nervous or stressed. "And to answer your question. Sometimes, when we get a task and I don't know the answer I stress about being called. So I read your mind. Not always. Only if I know you are thinking about the problem, I wouldn't wanna read something I'm not supposed to. But you are freakishly smart." Your gaze is fixed on the road. She keeps saying these things, things that make you feel like you should finally shoot your shot, so you can go from this weird limbo to actually dating. Your thoughts are working overtime now, you can tell by Lindsey squirming in her seat beside you. So you decide to put you both out of your misery. "Next week. What day works best for you? Like, in the evenings." She turns to look at you, but you keep staring ahead. You are scared you might lose your nerve. "Uhm, maybe Friday. We have a game that afternoon, but I'm free in the evening. But you know you don't have to plan that far ahead when you wanna spend time with me. I'm spontaneous and not that busy." Deep breaths, Sonnett. "Read my mind, Linds." It takes a few seconds. You are sure there is a lot of chaos there that she has to unpack. But eventually, she starts to smile. "It's finally happening, huh?" "I guess so..." You should stop sounding so unenthusiastic about it. She'll think you don't want to go on a date with her. And because it's Lindsey, she already does. "You don't have to do this Sonnett. If you've changed your mind and just want to be friends then I'm okay with it." Now YOU are overthinking. Does she not want to go? Is she hoping you changed your mind? "No, no, I do want to. Just, you know... nerves and shit." And Lindsey is back to smiling. "Huh, I make Emily Sonnett nervous. What an achievement." "Please, you already have enough achievements to last a lifetime. I've been to your room, soon enough you'll need a new shelf for all your trophies." Even though Lindsey is the lone superstar of your high school's soccer team, she is ridiculously humble. Or insecure. The bar she sets for herself is high. You know it comes from a place of love, an intense love for the game. She always wants to get better, which you think is admirable, but often makes her less appreciative of the things she has already accomplished. You are afraid that she doesn't see how good she is. So you try to remind her as often as you can. "Well, I'll let you help in picking one out. You are good with colors and design stuff." Lindsey discovered your slight passion for art in math class. You get bored quite quickly, so doodling in the corners of your notebooks is a good time filler. You tried to keep the drawings out of Lindsey's sight, but she is just too nosy. "Yeah, I guess. We can make a trip to IKEA when you win this year's MVP as well." "If. If I win it." "I'm not psychic or whatever, but I'm sure you will." A little bit of silence follows. "Wouldn't it be funny if you were psychic? Like, we'd be some kind of superhero duo." "We already are, I'm the very definition of the lame sidekick." Instead of getting a laugh, I get silence. "You know what's funny? I think of you as the hero. At least my personal one." You don't believe her. Not one bit. "Don't get all sappy yet, Horan. You can do that once we've had our date."

You are very close to throwing up all over yourself. Which would be a shame because you would have to pick out a whole new outfit, and choosing this took you long enough already. While planning this date you had two major criteria. Firstly, don't pick something that you will hate. Like going to a fancy restaurant where you will have to dress up. Or going to the cinema where you won't be able to keep your mouth shut for two hours. Or doing anything where you will have to sit still for extended periods of time. And secondly, something that Lindsey will enjoy. Problem with that: you have no clue what Lindsey likes besides soccer. And while you are sure that Lindsey would love to just hang out on a soccer pitch for an afternoon, you wanna do something a little more special than that. So you started with thinking of things that Lindsey would not like to do. And you ended up with almost the same things that you would also hate. Because during dinner or a movie, she'd have to concentrate on not reading your mind. And bless Rose Lavelle. Because as soon as you tell her your initial observations, she comes up with a million ideas. "It's so obvious. You have to do some kind of activity. You have the patience and calmness of a squirrel. Just do some kind of sport, Lindsey is like, the most athletic person in this state, she'll love it. Next to her, you might look like a total loser, but you'll have to take that risk." You are pretty sure that next to Lindsey Horan, you will always seem like a loser. So during your biology class, you write down every activity that you can think of that fits the criteria that Rose and you established. And while you still worry about your choice now, you don't think you could've done any better.

Being nervous while picking Lindsey up is honestly ridiculous. You are insecure about your car all over again. She has told you a million times that she likes it. That it has personality, that it represents you. You found out pretty quickly that Lindsey doesn't even have a driver's license. Just another thing compromised by soccer. You are thankful that Lindsey is already standing on the sidewalk, you were not ready for the awkwardness of picking her up on her doorstep. She is dressed like always. You asked her to. "Wow, Sonnett. I just opened the car door and your thoughts are already screaming at me." You look down in shame. Lindsey sits down in the passenger's seat. "Look, I get why you are nervous. I am too, more than you know. I've never been on a date in my life. But it's just us. I like you so much already, nothing can change that anymore. And if this will be anything like the days I've spent with you before, I'm sure I'll love it." She puts you at ease. You wonder how she gets all this wisdom, this clarity. Maybe it'll rub off on you.

The closer you get to the bike rental place, the more nervous you become. "Sonnett...", Lindsey warns you and takes a deep breath. "Sorry, sorry. If you want I can tell you where we are going now, so you don't have to try so hard not to accidentally find out." "That'd be great." "So... I thought we'd rent some bikes and ride around the city a little. If you are up for it we can go up the mountain as well, heard there are some nice paths." "Sounds lovely." 

It is lovely. After 10 minutes Lindsey takes pity on you and slows down a little so the two of you are comfortably chatting while riding along the streets. You keep the conversation light until you start riding up the path leading you up to the top of the mountain. It's a late afternoon on a Friday, most people are just getting off work, so the both of you are practically alone. "Did you ever consider not being friends with me after you found out the whole mind-reading thing? Cause I'd be scared shitless all the time if I were you." It's not like you never thought about the problems this might bring. But more because of yourself. Overthinking is a flaw of yours and you know that Lindsey is having a hard time with that. You think that someday, this will be too much to deal with, for her. "I trust you. Even if you were reading my thoughts, I'd trust you to use that advantage respectfully. And having you as my friends is one of the best things to ever happen to me. Mind-reading or not." "I'm glad I found someone like you. When my brother found out I told someone else, he freaked out. He thought I would never be able to trust anyone with this. But after I told him all those things about you, how understanding you are and how hard you try, he became calmer. He would love to meet you, actually. But I wouldn't wanna put that pressure on you, only if you are okay with it." For you, it's an honor that Lindsey's brother wants to meet you. The two of them are super close, bonded by keeping an unbelievable secret. If he approves of you, you are sure you are doing something right. 

Nothing has ever worked out this perfectly for you. When you arrive on the plateau, overlooking the small forest underneath and parts of the city in the distance, the sun is just starting to set. "It's crazy that I've never been here, at least not during sunset." "Well, I was kinda hoping for that." "Do you even realize how much I like you? You could've planned whatever, I would've loved it because it means spending time with you. And that doesn't mean I don't appreciate how much thought you put into this, because it's super sweet, but you need to stop stressing out about my reaction." At this point, you should just accept that Lindsey is gonna blow you away time and time again with her speeches. You will never understand how you got this lucky, to be on the receiving end of those monologues. And it turns out Lindsey doesn't just boost your confidence, she doesn't just make you relax, she also makes you bold. Cause never in a million years would you have thought that you'd be the one to lean in for a kiss. Apparently, Lindsey thought the same, which is why she looks a little surprised at first. "Whoa, you want to kiss me." It's not even a question, just a statement. Again, you wonder if she just knows or if she read your mind. "Uhm...yeah. Is that a bad thing?" You have already pulled back entirely. Not being able to read Lindsey's mind is annoying sometimes, but thankfully she never wastes much time in showing you what she wants. Cause instead of answering, she leans in and kisses you. To keep you from pulling back in surprise, she has her hand resting on the back of your neck. And yeah, being with Lindsey is awesome, talking to her even more so, but this, this beats out everything. And you will be the first to admit that this is painfully cheesy, kissing while the sun is slowly disappearing behind the trees in the distance. "I think this is very cliche too, but I like a romantic fairytale." And if she wants a fairytale, then she is going to get one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants a third part, I'd be happy to deliver, but I have to admit that I'm out of ideas for this one. So feel free to make suggestions with some scenarios.


	3. florida

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily is tired of floating in limbo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was inspired by Bailey_043016's suggestion under my last chapter to add some more backstory to Lindsey's character. I know this isn't long at all, but I'm gonna be honest and say that I was just too lazy. But still massive thanks for the inspiration. If any of you've got longer feedback or ideas btw, you can hit me up on tumblr. Username: michi22wolf. Hope everyone is healthy and dealing with this situation the best way they can. Stay safe :)  
> And again, English isn't my first language, so sorry for any mistakes.

The Sonnett family has been going to Florida over Thanksgiving for as long as you can remember. And you used to love it. Getting out of rainy Portland, especially in the fall, always did wonders for your mood. But all those years before, you didn't have this... sweet-kinda-something with Lindsey. When Emma would moan about missing her boyfriend, you'd roll your eyes. You don't moan about missing Lindsey. But you are still thinking about her pretty much all day. Thankfully none of your family members are mind-readers. You've got that avenue covered. Ever since you took Lindsey on that first date, you have been competing over who can arrange the best possible date. So you have been out on six dates now. And still, nothing is official yet. 

Since you were spending every single day with Lindsey anyway, this didn't bother you when you were still in Portland. But now that you are away from Lindsey for the first time since becoming friends, you notice how much it bothers you that she isn't technically yours. You know she isn't seeing anyone else, wouldn't want that. But this time off, without school and friends and Lindsey, has turned you into an overthinking idiot. So you spend your nights lying awake and thinking about what will happen once senior year ends, when Lindsey and you will potentially choose different paths in life. You know that soccer is Lindsey's future. And it makes you infinitely proud. But you know that it might take her far away from you. 

So these thoughts have been harassing you for the better part of this week. You spent this evening with your parents and your sister, playing cards. Exhaustion is slowly overtaking you and you feel like maybe you can finally get a good night of sleep. So you excuse yourself early and make your way up to your room. 

When Emma comes in an hour after you, you are still wide awake. It's like as soon as your back hits the mattress, all the ease you feel leaves your body. You're not thinking about anything per se, but there is this uneasiness lingering. You can almost feel the intrusive thoughts in your brain. 

Another hour has passed and you are getting hot. It's almost impossible to not be hot in Florida, but your room is air-conditioned and pleasantly cold. Still, you are sweating and try to get rid of your blanket. It helps for about a minute. You know that it will still be warm outside, but you feel like you will suffocate if you lie in this bed another second. So you grab Lindsey's soccer short lying on the floor (you are convinced Lindsey snuck them in there when she was helping you pack) and sneak out towards the beach.

You flop down in the sand, that is pleasantly warm now that the sun isn't beating down on it. The air is refreshing, but looking out at the ocean, there is still too much silence around you. Your phone is in your hand before you know it. 

The thing is, Lindsey loves phone calls. She can't read minds through the phone, so these conversations are the easiest for her. You, on the other hand, hate phone calls. You hate not seeing the other person's reaction to what you are saying first hand. But right now, you know this is as good as it can get. 

"Sonnett?" Lindsey is bad at hiding her surprise. It's not like you haven't been in contact, you text almost every hour. But calling is very unlike you. "Yeah. Hey, Linds."   
"Are you alright? Isn't it super late in Orlando?" You don't even know. The concept of time becomes an illusion when you lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, for so long. It's 11 pm. Not unreasonably late. "No. But my family is in bed already."   
"So, to what do I owe the pleasure? Not that I don't love you calling me, but it's a surprise." How do you phrase this? Open and honest? Not your style. Talking to Lindsey feels good though. More precisely, listening to Lindsey talk feels good. "I'm just having trouble sleeping. So I thought hearing your voice might help. You can just tell me something, anything."

"Are you okay? You probably don't wanna talk about it, but I still wanna make you sure you aren't miserable." You aren't miserable. You know that this could go away as soon as you touch down in Portland again. But you want to be able to enjoy these last two days with your family. "Yeah, it's nothing too serious, I'm fine, Linds." 

"Alright. Do you wanna hear about me discovering my own... supernatural powers?" You have been wanting to hear about that since you found out about it. But Lindsey has had a hard time with it, so you didn't want to push her. "Only if you wanna tell me about it." Lindsey chuckles. "Of course I want to. For so many years I was looking for a person to tell and I finally found you." It makes your heart swell. Every day you thank God for being given Lindsey's trust.

"So, ironically, it happened in class. Every life-changing revelation seems to happen in the middle of shitty High School lessons. I was a freshman, I just made my first few friends, mostly through soccer. It was biology class. And I like biology, you know that. So I was looking at the teacher, and I was listening as well. And then I realized there was, like, a whisper in the back of my head. I couldn't really hear it over the teacher's talking. And then when I tried to focus on it, but it didn't get louder or anything. It was also kinda scary, I knew that nobody around me was talking. So I tried to ignore it and focused on the teacher extra hard. And then suddenly I heard her voice, but differently. Like, bored and talking about something entirely different. She was talking, thinking, about how she had to look through all our homework, and how she was sick and tired of doing it. I knew instantly she wasn't saying that. But I couldn't comprehend what was happening really. So I must've kinda jerked back in my chair. And she stopped I saw how she stopped talking, but I was still so focused on her, so I could hear what she was thinking. It was something along the lines of: 'What the fuck is Lindsey doing?' That was when I realized that I was probably hearing her thoughts. She didn't say anything, just gave me a stern look, I think she thought I had fallen asleep or something. But some people turned towards me, and I looked this one guy in the eye. I didn't know him at all really. But I was focused on him because I was a little self-conscious with his attention on me. And I was concerned about what he was thinking about me." 

You chuckle a little. Lindsey stops talking. "Sorry. I just... it's hard to imagine you without this... power. That you were once just like me, having these thoughts." Lindsey hums. "Yeah. Most of the time I see this as a burden, but it helped me with the overthinking. Especially concerning other people's opinions. Cause I could just find out if I wanted to, but I've learned that that doesn't help. So I just don't worry about it anymore." You don't think that there will ever be a time where Lindsey Horan does not amaze you. "Ok. Sorry for the interruption." You have long laid back in the sand. While Lindsey is talking, you draw little pictures in the sand. It helps you to focus on what she is saying. "It's okay. I like hearing your thoughts about this. You put a lot into perspective."

"So yeah, suddenly I heard this boy's voice, saying that I was weird." And you know me, I'm an emotional person and was super insecure back then. So I excused myself to the bathroom and stayed there for the rest of the lecture. I didn't wanna go back to that room where everyone's thoughts were raining in on me. I had no idea what was happening and how I could stop it. When I went home that day, I didn't look anyone in the eye. I was scared that I was gonna hear even more hurtful things. I didn't eat lunch with my family, I told them some lie about lots of homework. My brother and I have always been close, he always looks out for me. And he was very concerned about me going to High School from the beginning. So when I tried to close myself off, he wouldn't leave me alone. He kept knocking on my door, calling me, so I would talk to him. Back then I would've loved to punch him in the face, but God knows what I would've happened if I wouldn't have told him. I would've gone insane. At some point, I let him in. I don't know what made me do it. He could tell something was up in a second. I still kept my head down, I didn't want to accidentally pick up anything. That's when I found out that it also works with just mental focus. Cause I was still so focused on every step he took and I thought about him, so I could hear his thoughts. Maybe he was also pretty loud, he was concerned about me after all. I could hear him worrying. That was when I decided that he was my person, the person I could trust and tell. So I did. He obviously had a hard time believing me. So we did some little games, he thought about stuff, I told him about what he was thinking, all that stuff. And we worked out a plan. Like, how to keep it from messing with school, how I was gonna keep it from my fellow students, how I could train and we talked through some experiments, so I could find out more about it."

Lindsey has always talked a lot about her brother. She spends a lot of time with him. She told you how they have a book, where they keep every clue and information they have about Lindsey's power. Mike is super committed to the research. You are very glad Lindsey has him in her life. He helps her a lot, not just with mind-reading, but he is also her first call when anything else happens. You also have a sister, a twin, and you are tight. But you could never recreate that bond, this unique relationship they have. "How did you practice? Like, with people at the school?" Lindsey told you already, that reading people's minds is tough. So you feel like other teenagers wouldn't exactly be the best choice. 

"Well, in the beginning, I didn't know how to stop it, how to control it. So I read their minds all the time. It was horrible. What teenagers think is often even more horrible than what they do. It wasn't even about me most of the time. One time, one of my teammates was dating this guy, I had a class with him. And I was just zoning out and accidentally listened to his thoughts. Apparently, he zoned out too, cause he was thinking about some other girl, I didn't even know who that was. But it for sure wasn't my teammate. He was contemplating whether to break up with her or not. And I had to go to training the next day and look her in the eye. She still talked about her boyfriend, how much fun they had last week when they went to the movies. I talked about that with Mike as well, it's like, a task your philosophy teacher would give you. What do you do in that situation? We decided to not mess with other people's lives. I still don't know why I have this power, but if there is some kind of purpose behind it, it's not to play God. This is my private thing. That's when I became determined to learn to control it. And I learned quickly. After the first weekend of using Mike's friends as test subjects, I returned to school much more capable of controlling it. I understood the focus thing, the volume thing. And we are still working on a lot of stuff, especially with phone calls. We think that maybe we can use that to make life easier for me."

You love her. It's not that shocking of a revelation. Maybe it's cause you have her voice in your ear and the ocean in front of you. But it comes to you in a scary clarity. You'd do anything to make life easier for her. "I hope you manage. Cause you are such a good person. You haven't abused your abilities once, have never used it for your own benefit. You deserve someone to help you and I'm happy that Mike does that."  
"You do that too. I always assumed that I will never be able to lead a normal life, that anybody who finds out about this will just run for the hills because it scares them. But you stayed. You make me feel so normal every day. I just never expected you." It hits you that maybe, Lindsey loves you too.

You haven't been this nervous/excited for school since freshman year. You have big plans for today. See Lindsey again and finally ask her to be your girlfriend. You don't think you have anything to worry about. Rose tells you as much. "She is crazy about you. You are just too insecure to see it. She values you so much, you make her so happy. I don't see a reason why she should reject you." You are just on your way to math class, the one you are sharing with Lindsey. Rose knows how much you need this pep-talk. "Alright. I'm gonna trust you on this one. But if I come out of this brokenhearted and embarrassed, you'll have to take care of me." She gives you a strange look. "Sure. But I'll have to kick Lindsey's ass first." You feel a smile forming on your lips. "You don't stand a chance against her, she could kill you." Rose shrugs her shoulders. "I'll take the chance."

Lindsey's hug is both strong and soft at the same time. "I missed you a lot." You breathe in and out. "I'd hope so." You separate and she smiles at you. "So Florida made you forget all about me, huh? Didn't miss me one bit?" Not letting your nerves show is one of your specialties. It works especially well with humor. "Nah. Who knew Floridian women were so attractive? And they wear bikinis, like, all the time." Lindsey's smile gets bigger. "I hate to use this against you, but I have solid proof you missed me. You called me. You never call anyone, you wouldn't call yourself an ambulance if you were in life-threatening danger. So I know how serious it must've been." 

The thing is... she is so right. Those few days were painful at times, because you forgot how to live without seeing Linds every day. It was exhausting. "Okay, so maybe you have a point. You don't know if I didn't call other people as well. Maybe I was just lonely." You can see her becoming slightly more serious. "Lonely? Weren't you just telling me about hot women in bikinis?" Breathe, Sonnett. "What are you nervous about? Are you okay?" You love her. Now that you've come to realize that, it hits you almost every time you talk to her. "You know I don't care about them, right? How could I, when I've got you waiting for me in rainy, grey Portland? It means so much to me that you are willing to share all of your feelings and secrets and stories with me." You can tell when Lindsey is about to go all soft and emotional. She is a crier. "Well, it means a lot to me that you are willing to listen." This is your moment.

"Linds... will you be my girlfriend?" She looks slightly taken aback. Then she rolls her eyes. "Did you seriously ask me before math? Like, it's my turn with our next date, where I would've asked you for sure, and you idiot ask me before math class. Why now?" She sounds so whiny and you think this is the funniest thing to ever happen to you. "Cause I was alone in Florida, on a beach, with the paradise literally in front of me, and all I was thinking about was you. I was a little tired of waiting, I don't like being in limbo. Especially not with things that are important to me." Lindsey still looks a little exasperated. That's when you realize you haven't gotten an answer yet. "Oh. Yes, of course, I will be your girlfriend, are you insane?" You missed the mind-reading. "And I love you too." Okay, maybe just a little.


	4. I can't face your breaking heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't believe I finally managed to write another chapter, but here we are. I know I'm super slow when it comes to updating, but recognizing the issue is the first step in solving it. Hope y'all enjoy.  
> Black Lives Matter, today and always

Dating Lindsey feels too good to be true. Everything becomes more comfortable, more domesticated. You try not to spend too much time with Lindsey alone, but it's like you are obsessed with each other. None of your mutual friends seem to mind though, so you are happy to keep spending as much time with Lindsey as possible. So far you thought she wasn't bothered by it either.

It's your third evening in a row hanging out at your place. But Lindsey won't drop the subject. "They must be feeling like they are the second choice. I don't know if they are just acting like everything is fine when they are secretly upset." You are proud of how far she has come with her mind-reading. She barely uses it, never on you. She knows that it makes you nervous, you told her so, and she has been working hard not to betray your trust. "But they are the second choice. They know and are fine with it. We are the second choice to Mal as well. That's just what happens when you fall in love." None of you have dropped the L bomb yet. You feel like this was a very indirect way of doing it. Lindsey hasn't even noticed though. "I don't want us to be dependent on each other, you know? We are still individuals with different goals and aspirations. So we should also be spending time apart. Cause otherwise, we'll get used to it." Her head is lying in your lap, but she is looking off to the side, refusing to look up at you. "Linds... I feel like this is about something else. Do you not want to spend this much time with me? It's okay if you need more space, you just gotta tell me." Even though you can only see the side of her face, you can tell she is getting visibly upset. "I don't know, Em." The mood in the room has shifted, from comfortable and warm to tense and cold. This entire conversation has left you feeling insecure. 

Not getting a real answer out of Lindsey has cost you a bunch of sleep last night. When she shows up at school, however, she kisses you in front of your friends like she didn't make you doubt your whole relationship yesterday. So when Rose and you are making your way to history class, you tell her about it. "Weird. I talk to Sam and Mal about it a lot, and none of us are upset about you guys dating or spending time with each other. We still see each other frequently and do something on the weekends, so I don't see the problem." This just increases your worries. "I think it's something else that bothers her, but I don't know what it could be. I just came back from Florida a week ago and so far everything has been fantastic. It's not like I always initiate our hangouts. She calls me just as much, saying she wants to come over. Last night was the first time she brought this up, so I don't know what caused this. I hate it, it makes me go insane, I'm overthinking every interaction we ever had." Rose gives you a pitying look. "I cannot tell you what she's thinking, Son. Only she can do that. So far, your guys' communication has been top-notch, so don't stop now." You run your hand through your face. It's exhausting you, having these thoughts whirring around in your head. "So what you're saying is, I gotta talk to Linds about it." Rose pats you on the back. "That's exactly what I was saying." 

You text Lindsey once you are out of class, to meet you at your car. You are aware that a 20-minute break might not be enough to resolve the issue Lindsey has, but if you have to wait a minute longer you think you will combust. To your confusion, Lindsey is hesitant to come and talk to you. 

Linds: shouldn't we go sit with our friends? haven't talked to sam in forever. you could drive me home later though? 

If you were worried before, it was nothing compared to how you are feeling now. There is an uncomfortable pressure on your stomach and you have to take a few steadying breaths. It's okay. She genuinely seems to miss her friends. It's fine. You'll mention it later. She still likes you. She still wants to be with you. You're good. You reluctantly and slowly make your way back towards the building. 

You are impatiently tapping your steering wheel, waiting for Lindsey to show up in the parking lot. Is she letting you wait now? By now, you are certain you did something wrong, something to upset her. Something to make you deserve this kind of treatment. You just wish Lindsey would tell you. Your thoughts are interrupted when you spot her walking your way. Despite the storm wethering inside you, you smile. Lindsey is the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. You know that she wouldn't believe you if you told her. 

Lindsey's smile is bright when she gets in the car. "Guess what?" Seeing her so happy makes your own worries fade. "What?" She shoves a piece of paper into your hand. When you glance down on it, you immediately see the big "A" at the bottom of the page. It's her English exam. Of fucking course. "Damn, intelligent and pretty, I'm a lucky woman." It astounds you how Lindsey is still so overjoyed about getting good grades since it's a regular occurrence for her. But you are glad that she is proud of herself. "Yes, you are. Where is my reward?" Lindsey is not as playful as you are, but you still enjoy the moments when she gets a bit cocky. "Well, you'll probably receive a bangin' scholarship." "Maybe. But I'd still like a kiss for my efforts." Lindsey is passionate about everything she does, so naturally, she is a passionate kisser as well. She makes you feel her affection. So you grant her wish. Lindsey kisses like she is sure of everything. More so than before. And while you certainly enjoy her pressing you back into your car seat with the force of her kiss, you are feeling confused. You can't eliminate the doubts. Lindsey didn't seem sure of anything yesterday. So you bring your hand to her shoulder and give her a gentle push. "I'm proud of you Linds." You tell her so often. Maybe she has started to believe it's true. 

It takes you solid 10 minutes to finally address what has been on your mind. "Linds?" Lindsey, who has been scrolling through your country playlist, trying to find a song she doesn't hate, just gives you a small hum. "Yesterday. You, uh, said some things that got me thinking. Or..." You huff. This is hard. It was much easier telling Rose all this. Lindsey has laid down your phone in her lap. She looks scared. A bit pleading. "I'm just worried. Like, if I'm doing something wrong, then you can tell me. If you need more time to do other stuff, or if you sometimes grow sick of me, that's ok. I can back off. And of course, if something else is bothering you, you can tell me. I care about all of you. I hope you know that." Your voice gets quieter in the end. The longer you talk and the longer Lindsey is staring at you with this unreadable expression, the more nervous and unsure you get. Lindsey looks away before answering, watching the trees fly by your car window. "I didn't want to make you worry. It was stupid, I know. I just think that we sometimes isolate ourselves. I love spending time with you. I don't even know what I was trying to say yesterday. Sometimes I overthink things." It doesn't do much to clear things up for you. "I know, Linds. It's okay."

Just as you pull up at Lindsey's house, she speaks again. "I was invited to North Carolina. UNC. They want to offer me a scholarship." You are aware that North Carolina isn't exactly close to Oregon. But you are just too proud and elated for her to care at this moment. Your smile lights up the entire car and the grey Portland sky. When Lindsey turns towards you and sees how you are smiling, she starts grinning too. "Linds, I'm so proud of you." There it is, again. "You deserve this, so much." You lean across the console and hug Lindsey. "Did you think I'd be mad?" You almost whisper it. Lindsey tightens her arms around you. "Yeah." You pull out of the hug to look at her properly. "I love you. There is no way I'd ever not support you." Lindsey kisses you again. Kissing in cars is your new favorite thing.

You are lying on the floor of Lindsey's bedroom as she is throwing a bunch of clothes into her suitcase. "You are only staying a weekend. And it's winter. You won't need a tank top." "But it's the South." You chuckle. "Well, as someone who grew up in the South I can tell you that winter still exists there." You haven't been to Georgia for 4 years now. You don't miss it a lot. You like that there is snow in Portland, frequently. You found a new hobby in snowboarding. Lindsey taught you. Because of course, Lindsey can snowboard. There is barely anything Lindsey can't do. "Also, I'm sure they couldn't care less about what you wear. They've seen what you do on the pitch, I'm sure they are dying to get you into their program." Lindsey takes some clothes back out of the suitcase and sits down on the floor next to you. "I'm scared I'll accidentally read their minds. That would be awkward, wouldn't it?" You can't help but laugh. "They wouldn't know, so why would it be? Linds, they'll love you, I'm sure they already do. Otherwise, they wouldn't offer you a scholarship. You are not there to convince them, you are there for them to convince you." Lindsey is grabbing your hand, pulling you pretty much on top of her. "I love you, Sonny." 

Lindsey comes back from her visit at UNC happier than you've ever seen her. She can't stop talking about it. "Do you know all the incredible players that played there? I mean, you probably don't since you don't care about soccer, but some pretty big names. God, as a child I dreamed of going there. Like, I heard that Mia Hamm went there, and from then on I always wanted to wear the light blue kit. I was so sad to live in Portland and not somewhere closer." She is right. Soccer could not be more boring for you. Except when Lindsey plays it, then you are on the edge of your seat. The way she talks about UNC though, you slowly understand the magnitude that this has. The school is like a factory for superstars, grade A soccer players, who go on to have incredible careers. You know that this is what Lindsey is made for. "So you made up your mind then?" Lindsey mentioned in passing that other schools are looking at her as well, some even made her offers. Some are significantly closer to Portland than UNC. Of course, you can see yourself being sad about her leaving. But you know that you have to support her. And you are surprised by how easy it is. "No. I have to look at everything, but I can't imagine anything better." 

It's a Saturday when she calls you. You agreed to spend the weekend apart, you made plans with Emma, while Lindsey is doing a sleepover with some girls from the soccer team. So you are surprised when you see Lindsey's number popping up on your screen. Maybe she has some clothing at your place that she wants to wear right now. "Welcome to McDonald's, what is your order?" It stays quiet for a good five seconds. "Sonny..." Lindsey's voice sounds a bit breathless. "Linds. Are you okay?" Again, there is some silence. "Yeah, I think so. I got a call. From PSG. You know, the soccer club, we watched that one game, in the Champions League, where they played against... nevermind, you probably didn't pay attention anyway." You didn't. But you remember the full name of the club. Paris Saint Germain. French. "Well, what did they want?" Silence. So much silence and a bit of heavy breathing. "They invited me over to France. To look at their facilities and to train with their team. They watched my games and they are thinking about signing me, right after I finish high school." You are so confused. "That's a thing?" This is so much information at once, you can barely keep up. You don't understand half of it. "Well, not yet. I'd be the first. It sounds crazy, even to me. But I just got the call, like, 10 minutes ago and I wanted to tell you. I needed to tell you. It sounds insane, Em." It sure does. "Are you considering it?" You can't see it. No matter how hard you try you just can't see Lindsey going over to France. "I have to. There's a lot to explain about it, and I have to let it sink in for a while. You wanna meet up Monday to talk it over?" You don't know why you should talk it over. This is something Lindsey has to decide for herself. You shouldn't have an influence on her decision, you don't know shit about soccer and PSG. But for the first time since this whole recruitment craziness started, you want to talk Lindsey out of something.

Dinner is quiet. Usually, you can barely stop talking long enough to eat something, this time you use the food as an excuse to delay the inevitable conversation. Lindsey hasn't even said anything about leaving, and she didn't sound like she would want to either. But just thinking about it makes you stress out enough that even looking at her hurts. You hear her set down her fork. "Em... you're loud." It's unavoidable. "Yeah, sorry." You want to start a random conversation, just to distract you. "Do you regret taking Spanish now, as opposed to French?" Okay, so maybe that wasn't the right call. "Well, so far every conversation we had was in English. I mean, I don't speak French and know no one that does..." "Rose has French. I think she is kinda terrible at it, but she could give it a shot. If she were to negotiate your contract though, you'd likely end up on the streets." You were only aiming for a laugh, and maybe the insurance that Lindsey is not thinking about signing a contract in France. But you get thoughtful silence instead. "My parents are thinking of talking to an agent. Cause they can't do it all on their own. My dad is doing all the financial stuff right now, sponsors approaching me, all that jazz. I try to stay away from that." Your head is swimming. Sponsors? You are Lindsey's biggest supporter. You think she is the next big thing, the next Mia Hamm, Lionel Messi, every big soccer person you know. But still, you feel like you underestimated her worth. "Look at my big-shot girlfriend, talking about sponsors." The anxiety is rising in you, and still, you manage to smile. You are surprised that it's not too forced because this is everything you want for Lindsey. "Let's go up and talk." Lindsey doesn't return your smile.

"So, I will be going to France in two weeks. Just to take a look at everything and for them to take a look at me." You nod. So this is not final, but if she is flying over to France, she is seriously thinking about it. Lindsey doesn't do stuff she doesn't want to do. "Yeah. I am thinking about it. Sorry, just stressed, so I slip up." Her slip-ups are rare. It makes you a bit mad. That feeling takes you by surprise. You never get mad at Lindsey for her mind-reading, she can't change it and you know that. You push the feeling down. "It's okay. So how long are you staying?" Lindsey looks so uncomfortable. It makes you worry more. "Just the weekend, still have school." You nod again. This is all fine. She can go down there. Maybe they won't even want her. It's a ridiculous thought. "What happens when you like it?" "And they like me!" "They'll like you. They are flying you out to Paris, they want you Linds." She breaks eye-contact. "And I'm flying out there. What does that say about me?" Her voice breaks a bit. You know that this is the part where you hug her, tell her it's okay, that you'll love her no matter what. The pain and hurt crash down on you. "I think we should continue this conversation another time. When you get back." And with that, you leave, and she lets you.

Was that the dumbest thing you have ever done? Most likely. Do you regret it? Absolutely. Are you doing anything to make amends? Not exactly. Because instead of: "We don't know anything definitive yet, so let's talk about it when it's actually happening.", Lindsey understood it as: "I don't want to hear a thing from you until you get back from France and even then I'm not sure.". To summarise, you've made a mess out of your relationship. And you hate cleaning up. So you let it be a mess. It's just two weeks. You can go two weeks with minimal communication. It's for Lindsey's own good. She has time to think, time to contemplate her future without you in the picture. And wasn't she the one talking about spending less time together? Maybe that was her preparing you for her inevitable departure. After a few hours of repeating this to yourself every night, you start to believe that this will only help your relationship. But Rose doesn't let you. 

"You are such an idiot! I have Lindsey on the phone every fucking night. You wanna know why? Cause normally, before she goes to bed, she calls you, because you stay up longer than her anyway. And she doesn't want to break her nighttime routine, but you practically told her to fuck off. And then I talk to her, about everything and nothing, and she is silent and at some point, she starts crying. Then I get to listen to the same monologue again, about how she is destroying your relationship, and then she changes her mind and tells me she hates your guts and then she changes her mind again and tells me that she'll stay in the States no matter how great France is. You don't have to give me the kicked puppy look, because you brought this upon yourself. I'll ask you a couple of questions so you get your shit sorted out, alright." She doesn't wait for an answer before continuing. "Do you want to be the reason she doesn't get any more sleep? Do you want to be the reason she's crying every night? Do you want to be the reason she possibly gives up on an incredible opportunity? Sonnett, we're talking about PSG here. I know that doesn't mean anything to you, but to her it does. And she means something to you, otherwise, you wouldn't be walking around here, looking like the first half of an antidepressant ad." Rose is good at calling out your shit. 

You don't want any of these things. If she is in France or Carolina or the fucking moon, you still love her. So you call her, five minutes before you know she'll go to bed. "Sonnett?" She sounds rough. "Yeah. Hi. I want to say some things if that's okay." Silence. When did you two get so good at being silent? You hate it. "Tomorrow at school. Not like this. Good night, Son." So that could've gone better. But you are in a desperate situation, so you'll take what you can get. 

"Over the last two days, I've thought about canceling the trip so many times. Which is so stupid, cause this is so big. Much bigger than anything I ever dared to dream. But I was contemplating giving that up just so I could stay closer to you." You felt awful even before Lindsey started speaking. It's obvious that she isn't feeling too hot right now. "I want you to go. I want to see you succeed. And I don't know a person more deserving of this than you. So I'm sorry I was a dick about it. I should've expressed my support more openly. I love you, Linds." Instead of looking relieved, she looks even more pained. She sits down on one of the park benches. "I wish you would yell at me and tell me to fuck off. Maybe you'd even break up with me." She has rendered you speechless. "Em, you are so perfect. You are everything I could ever want from a partner. But our timing is shit." 

And really, what are you supposed to do except crying. Lindsey already has the tears standing in her eyes. Whenever you imagined your life after high school, Lindsey was right there with you. Now those dreams and visions are crumbling. When you look up you can see Lindsey's shocked face. It occurs to you that she's never seen you cry before. You feel terrible, there is pressure everywhere. In your head, in your stomach, behind your eyes. You feel like you are hanging off a tower, looking down and you wish someone, Lindsey in this case, would just cut you loose so you could fall to your death. "Son, I don't know if I can do this with you. This is such a unique opportunity, and you make me feel like I don't want to do it. How could anything in Paris be better than what we have, right?" You feel very numb all of the sudden. Is Lindsey seriously expecting you to answer her? "But this is my shot at getting what I always wanted. I wanted this before I even knew what love is at all." She is doing a lot of talking. It borders on hysterical, she is almost screaming, her voice breaks every two words. So you wonder why she even bothers. The point of this has become pretty evident. And you aren't gonna say anything. What for? She has decided for the both of you. 

It's still three months before Lindsey is leaving. Your remaining days of school, which you thought you would treasure, become actual torture. Some days you spend lunch with Sam, other days you spend it with Rose, others with Mal. Never with all of them together. You know where the rest of them are. You are lucky that your finals give you very little time to think about the fact that you were dumped by Lindsey. Except for math class. Jesus. Over the course of a year, your hatred for math turned into love and back to utter disgust. Before looking at Lindsey was a welcome distraction from the boring lessons, now it's a painful reminder that you weren't enough for her. The first time you are forced to work together after your break up, you deliver the best mathematical performance of your life. Lindsey wouldn't stop staring at you, so to avoid her glance for twenty minutes, you invested every bit of your anger, love, and hurt into your math problem. When you wordlessly pushed the solution in her direction, she only eyes it for a second, before saying: "Good job." You still wonder if she meant your result or your ability to keep it together. 

Rose, Sam, and Mal invite you to a sleepover. It's odd. You specifically ask Rose if Lindsey is invited and she says no. After mindless chatter for the majority of the evening, Rose gets down to what you have been expecting all along. A conversation about Lindsey. "So, Lindsey broke up with you." Rose is always toeing the line between being very direct and downright mean. This feels refreshing though. You have been treated like a porcelain vase by them. So someone just saying it is nice. "She sure did." Sam and Mal look genuinely scared. Like if Rose isn't careful, you'll explode. "Have you talked at all? Are you friends?" You actually have to laugh at that. You haven't even though about this yet, about ever being friends again. Being in Lindsey's life has been a blessing. But from the very beginning, you were always a love interest, never just a friend. "We didn't talk. I don't think I want to. And we didn't say anything about our relationship now. It's all just... over." 

You are all a bit drunk. Maybe that's why Sam slips up. "Lindsey would love to have you there." Lindsey clearly wouldn't love to have you anywhere. You know that that's not true. You know, deep down, that this hurts Lindsey just as much as it hurts you. It still doesn't help with the sadness and anger. "What is she talking about?", you ask Mal, who has been leaning against you for ten minutes at least. The warmth her body provides against yours is pleasant. "We're throwing Lindsey a farewell celebration of sorts. Not a wild party, we figured she wouldn't want that, but we'll take her out to breakfast before she's flying to France." Sounds like something that Lindsey would like. "We told her because we figure she will be nervous enough about going to France, so a surprise visit from her friends would be a bit much. And she asked if you were coming. Maybe she was a bit drunk. And we didn't even consider asking you." 

When Lindsey leaves for France, you won't see her for at least half a year. Depends if you'll have the balls to talk to her come next Christmas break. Maybe it'll be even longer. Maybe it will be your last chance ever. It sounds dramatic now. The next time she is coming to the US, both of you will be different. She might fall in love in Paris, where everything is uncomplicated and easy. She might stay over there forever, only visiting for holidays. All of this is far away now. But it's everpresent in your mind. So despite yourself, you agree to come to Lindsey's little sendoff. Not for the entire time. You want your friends to be able to enjoy those last moments with Lindsey, without your relationship drama making everything painfully awkward. 

Breakfast is for your friends, the airport is for her family. So do the only logical thing. Wait for them to get to the airport. Rose is driving them all there, where Lindsey will join her family for a goodbye. You are twenty minutes too early. You'd rather wait in front of an airport for what feels like an eternity than miss your last glance at Lindsey. When Rose's car finally pulls up, you feel like vomiting into the next available bush. You expected them to exit the car cheery and happy, but everyone looks pretty down already. You remember that they are all letting one of their best friends move across the ocean. Instead of coming towards you, they say goodbye to Lindsey at the car. It's intentional, you know they want to give you that moment alone. You don't know if you want to thank them or curse them. You can see Rose crying, Sam crying, Mal crying. Lindsey is turned away from you. 

You are not prepared when she turns around. Of course, she is still crying. She probably won't stop while talking to you. There is nothing happy about this. "I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea." Lindsey is still a bit far away, but you can see she is smiling a little. "Well, we all make mistakes." You force a smile to make sure she knows you aren't serious. "I want you to know that I still couldn't be prouder. I did research and what you are doing is a sensation. Years from now, when you won a World Cup, Olympic gold, the league, and everything there is, people will say: 'Remember when Lindsey Horan skipped college and we called her insane? Look how it paid off.' There is nothing I want more for you Linds, I'm serious. I'll be watching, no matter how much it'll hurt, no matter how late at night it is, how much I wish you were playing a more exiting sport than soccer." You get a choked laugh out of her. 

"I don't know if you want to hear this, but I don't regret falling for you at all. These past few months have been the most painful of my life so far. But it's still so worth it. You are so worth it, I don't want you to ever think you weren't worth it." It hurts to hear, to hear that if Lindsey wasn't such a generational talent, you'd probably be snuggled up together, talking about your prom dresses. And you can only think about how you still love her. And you want her to know. But you can't bring yourself to say it. Luckily thinking quietly isn't your strength. "I still love you too." She looks apologetic for a second. "Sorry, focusing is hard right now." You see her take a deep breath. "I gotta go. I... don't know what to say, Em. I'll see you, I promise." You just nod. There is no point in pretending you aren't crying, but you still try to keep it to a minimum. "Yeah. Good luck over there. I know you won't need it, but... yeah."

You walk slowly over to Rose's car. With each step, you take a deep breath. It doesn't help. When you open the door, they are all keeping their heads turned to the front. It's deathly silent. Until your sobs break the quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry? Again, I'm not necessarily the quickest writer, but since this doesn't have a happy ending I'll try my very best.


End file.
